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  • Becka Eppley

Backstage

He was waiting backstage. She guided me to his dressing room and said, “Does she belong to you?” to which my husband replied, “No, no she doesn’t. She belongs to herself.” He sees it, but for so long I did not.


For many years I had wanted to belong to someone, to have somewhere that I fit, that was made just for me. The word “home” was on a continuous loop in my mind during childhood and through my twenties. As a young child I also imagined home to have pearly gates and streets of gold. There was no fighting in this magical place and there was an abundance of food.


I think I have always longed for something, someplace greater then where I was. I grew up the daughter of a stateside missionary and we always had enough but with the glimpse of going without just around the corner. I was to find my value and worth in the God of the Bible, to do good works in his name, and to surround myself with other like-minded people. Sometimes I failed and sometimes I succeeded but I never felt truly at home.


I had a dull ache in my heart; I believed it was because I did not trust in God enough and that my faith had not matured to a level to experience daily peace. My faith felt weak. “I was not enough but with God’s help I would make it,” was the main narrative in my story at age 10, 16 and at 29.


It was not until my thirties that I learned to see myself, and the value that I hold. I spent a good portion of my life feeling far away from God. I desperately wanted to stick my foot inside the grand circle of those whose faith did not waiver. My parents were habitual about setting time aside to daily read their bibles and pray, I had no draw to this habit and felt great guilt and shame if I did not at least make an effort. I would lay my bible out in front of me and let the pages flow through my fingers hoping that when they fell open they would land on the magical words God had for me that day. I desperately wanted someone to cherish me, and who better than the God of the universe.



What magical circumstances happened in my thirties that caused me to stop searching? I started to realize who I was. I started to see that this amazing connector of the stars and illuminator of the universe existed within my being; I started to see how the creator who lives within each of us connects the human race. I have found that my worthiness can feel complex but it is that complexity that shadows the simplistic state of worth that has always been there. I believe that if each person could embrace that they are truly worthy and that their story holds intrinsic value it would change the world. I do belong to myself and for that I am eternally grateful.

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